College trip to Dublin...

... and almost all of us came down with food poisoning, some more severely than others.

I got worse and worse, lying in bed sweating and gibbering. I woke up with my English Lit lecturer concernedly mopping my brow. Embarassed, I leapt from the bed and staggered into the toilet to take a dump.

As the dump came cascading out of my tea towel holder, I realised I was going to speak Welsh. I decided to swivel round 180' and sink to my knees in the classic "white telephone" stance.

Only, as the bile rose through my throat, I couldn't stop the fizzy gravy from pouring out of my rusty bullet hole.

What transpired is best described as a "360 degree fountain of vomit and faeces". I coated the toilet, the wall behind it, the floor, and my clothes as I tried to point both ends in the same direction, failed, and rotated in a devastating poo and spew spiral.

Having emptied both ends, I crawled into the shower and tried to clean myself up. I then somehow got back into bed and passed out again.

When I next came too, my roommates were standing over me looking concerned. Sympathetic? Hardly. "Clean up that mess you left in the toilet you dirty bastard"

So I spent the next couple of hours pathetically sponging my poo spray and technicolour yawn off the walls of the bathroom.

I nearly had to go to hospital, but thankfully recovered sufficiently by late evening. A health inspector arrived and asked for stool samples. I tool the little phial, not really knowing what to do with it (I was still pretty delirious). Did I just dip the plastic probe into a big log to take a sample? Did I heckers.

I positioned my business end over the tube, and let rip an enormous poo. It was too big to fit in the tube, so I poked it in with my fingers and screwed the cap over the whole smeary mess.

When we went to give our samples in, they had thankfully given us little brown bags to hide our anal shame. Thank goodness, because I wouldn't have wanted the other guys at college to know that I was a dirty bastard who had just been pooing into his own hand!

my dog

Hailin Palin - Funny Election Animation

my daughter

Dr Poo

In my last place of work we used to have a phantom shitter who we named 'Dr Poo'. Over a period of a few weeks he proceeded to produce some truly mind boggling messes in our work toilets. He must have taken great pride in them because he never flushed the chain leaving everyone to view his turd sculptures(like a Turner Prize entry).

Dr Poo's creations were usually heavy skids or (if we were particularly unlucky) a piece of poo on the toilet seat. If the latter happened, you'd vow never to use that paticular cubicle again (although after a couple of weeks most people forgot and used it anyway).

At the time, I was part of a group of mates who found Dr Poo's actions hilarious, but the hilarity soon turned to paranoia as, in turn, each of us accused the other of being the turd releasing villain. It was like one of those films in which a group of friends are trapped somewhere - they start off in good spirits but then their moods worsen as the situation becomes grimmer and they end up killing each other (you get the drift).

Dr Poo's 'Piece De Resistance' happened not long after in trap 2 of the fourth floor toilet. On entering said trap, I lifted up the toilet seat to be greeted by what can only be described as the most extreme pebbledash shit you could imagine - It was as if Dr Poo had a sprinkler attached to his arse.

Naturally I walked out, told a mate and then decided to wait for our other friends to discover Dr Poo's delights for themselves before rolling around on the floor laughing (a la Bart Simpson after making a crank call).

Eventually, we took to taking prolonged shits in trap 1 and 3 to listen to the reaction of other people as they lifted the lid of the toilet in Trap 2. The best reaction was from a tall American - On lifting the lid he proceeded to scream 'Good Lord!!' before running out of the toilet door.

Dr Poo's sprinkler shit stayed in it's natural pebbledash state for nearly 3 weeks (it wouldn't even flush away from the porcelin). Eventually the office manager jobsworth got the post boy to dress up in a radiation suit type thing and scrub it away.

Not much was heard from Dr Poo after that. Although we were introduced to his evil twin 'Dr Blood' not soon after.

There was once a rather large turd

There was once a rather large turd
of unknown origin in my toilet. It was not so much floating as blocking - after several flushes it still wouldn't go down. Being the irrational teenager I was, I decided to clear up this problem using bangers, 5 actually.

This resulted in me being deaf for the next 20 minutes, my mum calling me a 'little shit' for the next hour (bit ironic really) and a nasty mixture of toilet water and crap up the toilet wall for the rest of the afternoon, which I eventually had to scrub off.

Needless to say I haven't tried that again

in the steppe