Dr Poo

In my last place of work we used to have a phantom shitter who we named 'Dr Poo'. Over a period of a few weeks he proceeded to produce some truly mind boggling messes in our work toilets. He must have taken great pride in them because he never flushed the chain leaving everyone to view his turd sculptures(like a Turner Prize entry).

Dr Poo's creations were usually heavy skids or (if we were particularly unlucky) a piece of poo on the toilet seat. If the latter happened, you'd vow never to use that paticular cubicle again (although after a couple of weeks most people forgot and used it anyway).

At the time, I was part of a group of mates who found Dr Poo's actions hilarious, but the hilarity soon turned to paranoia as, in turn, each of us accused the other of being the turd releasing villain. It was like one of those films in which a group of friends are trapped somewhere - they start off in good spirits but then their moods worsen as the situation becomes grimmer and they end up killing each other (you get the drift).

Dr Poo's 'Piece De Resistance' happened not long after in trap 2 of the fourth floor toilet. On entering said trap, I lifted up the toilet seat to be greeted by what can only be described as the most extreme pebbledash shit you could imagine - It was as if Dr Poo had a sprinkler attached to his arse.

Naturally I walked out, told a mate and then decided to wait for our other friends to discover Dr Poo's delights for themselves before rolling around on the floor laughing (a la Bart Simpson after making a crank call).

Eventually, we took to taking prolonged shits in trap 1 and 3 to listen to the reaction of other people as they lifted the lid of the toilet in Trap 2. The best reaction was from a tall American - On lifting the lid he proceeded to scream 'Good Lord!!' before running out of the toilet door.

Dr Poo's sprinkler shit stayed in it's natural pebbledash state for nearly 3 weeks (it wouldn't even flush away from the porcelin). Eventually the office manager jobsworth got the post boy to dress up in a radiation suit type thing and scrub it away.

Not much was heard from Dr Poo after that. Although we were introduced to his evil twin 'Dr Blood' not soon after.